Monday, January 02, 2006

The Tunnel with the Windows

There's this tunnel with the windows I sometimes find myself in.
The tunnel seems to go on for miles.
The tunnel's dark, but I can make out some giant picture windows on each side.
On the other side of the giant windows in the tunnel, I can see a room with the silhouettes of two people in most of them...a man and woman.
It's dark in the room.
It's dark in the tunnel.
The giant windows in the tunnel seem to go on for miles like the tunnel itself, most rooms having two people inside...a man and woman.
I look ahead, pearing into the darkness and see a tiny light ahead. I'm guessing that's the exit. I'm hoping the light at the end of the tunnel is my journey's end.
I start walking into the darkness.
As I past the first window a light turns on. I can see the man and woman.

The woman looks familiar. Isn't that the girl I had a crush on in high school? The man remains a silhouette. Some nameless faceless man.

What is this about?
I continue to walk down the dark tunnel.
Behind me a light turns off. In front another is illuminated.

Wow I remember her. Two years of my life wasted. This time the man is a white silhoutte. He has a name, and a face, but I have never personally seen it. My blood boils. I bang on the window. All that does is makes them make out even harder, giving me sinister looks, each finding it straight through to my defenseless heart. Starting to walk away I notice a television. Sound starts to fill the tunnel. I look around to see where it's coming from but it's too dark. I start to listen. It's that phone conversation when the bitch ripped my heart out. I see my reaction on the television and hear it in the tunnel. I remember that pain. I relive that pain. I walk away.

The sound fades, the light dims and another illuminated.
What now?

Another girl. Another man. I didn't even like you. We were just dating. I didn't like you? Did I? Sure I enjoyed your company, but I didn't think I'd like you. You were hell bent on finding a boyfriend. Now you have one and that just pisses me off. Maybe I did like you more than I thought I did. But that doesn't matter now. Wouldn't have worked anyway. That's what I 'm going to keep telling myself. I walk away.

I'm growing tired of this tunnel, yet I seem to always find myself in it.
The tunnel seems to go on for miles.
Rooms lighting and growing dark like the steps in Michael Jackson's Billie Jean video.
Each vision a woman from my past.
Each vision a reminder.
The tunnel doesn't seem to stop. It seems to be getting longer.

Wait a minute. You shouldn't be here. You're too new. I thought this was all about the past, not the present. My mind wanders. I spend a lot of time with her. She's my friend. Probably my best friend here. I'd do anything for her. Wait a minute...I just had these thoughts.

I back up but not too far...in the middle of the lastest two windows. They both turn on.

She was my friend. Probably one of my best friends at my previous location. We helped each other through school.
She is my friend. Probably one of my best friends in my current location. We're helping each other through life.
Both lovely in their own distictly different way. Both very appealing. Both sources of the pain. Both the newest additions to the tunnel.
The ever growing tunnel.

I look at both of them. I slide to the left...one light of the goes off.

I stand for a minute, gazing into the lit room, darkness surrounding me. I look at her, she looks at me. I place my hand on the glass, stretching my fingers out wide. She smiles at me, teeth sparkling, cheeks reddining. I ball my open hand into a fist, rare back getting ready give everything I can to break the glass. My arm shoots like a cannon, getting closer and closer to it's mark. And then I stop...so hard I almost pull my shoulder out. My eye caught a glance of something. Someone entering the room. I man. I know him, I've seen him, I've talked to him. Not again. Not again. He comes behind her and slowly kisses her on her neck. She looks at me, her gaze transformed from bright and beautiful to sinister. She enjoys the kisses, but enjoys my pain more. My heart sinks. I've been through this before. Running the race, slow and steady while someone comes along skating by. Classic example of the role player vs the superstar. And I'm not the superstar. While most of me wants to rare back and break the glass, I already know how that story would end. Secong verse same as the first. My heart sinks, my head falls to my chest. I was away. The light fades.

I continue my slow agonizing journey through the tunnel with the windows.
It's dark. It's lonely.
I pass by more windows, but they are empty. Waiting to be filled just as the ones I previously passed. So many I've passed, but not all did I mention. I start to run as fast as I can. Lights going on and off so quickly. I see the light getting closer and closer. I jump to it. White light all around me. Then it fades. When my eyes adjust all I see is darkness. I'm in a room...a tunnell. With windows. I see silhouettes.
The tunnel goes on for miles.
I'm in the tunnel with the windows again.
I wonder if there will be any additions this time around?
Wonder what lies in the white light so far ahead.
I'm inside the tunnel with the windows.

6 Comments:

Blogger Sweet Hammie said...

That's some deep stuff underdog. Making the assumption the guy walking through the tunnel is you, I never knew you were in so much pain, although I know your frustration level is at an all time high. The only words I can give you are that you have some good friends who love you and are here to support you, bull riding and all. Just remember, if my brother can't be there you are the guy I want at my side! Only difference is this time I actually remember saying that. See you on Saturday. How tore up do you want to get? Should I bring the "good liver"? I'm willing to give it a go for old time's sake if you are.

6:24 AM  
Blogger The Underdog said...

It's always good to know someone's listening.

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