Monday, January 02, 2006

Thoughts on Mr. T

This kinda long email has been going around. Mr. T is a great man...

Mr. T speaks only when necessary.

His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. The result was the 80's.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion's tail hanging out of his mouth.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.

Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.

In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own fool cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold chains around their nucleus and were tired of the other cell's jibba-jabba.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.

Mr. T was the first to kill two bird with one stone. He kept the stone, and as of now it has killed 6,048.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.

Remember when Mr. T wasn't so popular and awesome? Me neither.

They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don't have to outrun the bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person. If Mr. T is chasing you, you're dead no matter what.

On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both 'deflower' the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman's uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks.

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

Mr. T doesn't have internal organs. He had them removed to make more room for muscle.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr. T's neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Mr. T ate Kobayashi.

The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchprase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.

There is a 11th commandment, edited out of the Bible, that says "None of the above applies to Mr. T."

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

Most people believe the chemical formula for what sustains life is H2O, when in fact it is MrT + 2JPf. The ionic bond between JibbaJabba and PityingFools is so great that if one attempts to split that molecule, Chuck Norris jumps from a flaming truck and roundhouse kicks that person in the teeth.

Mr. T once had so many fools to pitty that he didn't know what to do with them all. So he created Chuck Norris, from one of his ribs and a pound of gold, to roundhouse kick the surplus of fools in the face.

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.

Mr. T was the only kid at his high school. His high school was undefeated in all sports for the one year it took him to graduate. This is not surprising considering he invented every sport.

If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.

Mr.T actually came up with the theory of relavity, Einstein merely stole it from him. Although originaly this was called Mr.T's theory of relative pity, Einstein in fact mistranslated it into 'jibba jabba'

A random onlooker once taunted Mr. T. Mr. T responed by hitting the man so hard that both his parents died.

Mr. T once pitied a fool so hard that he burst into flames.

Mr. T's umbilical cord was actually a large gold chain... the medallion didn't grow in until he was 6 months old.

Mr. T's autobiography, "So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity," was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its heartwarming and inspiring tales of Mr. T overcoming his fear of flying, and his battle with gold-addiction--as well the sweet tutorial on how to install machine-gun turrets on top of a GMC van using a welding torch, a 55-gallon drum, chicken wire, and skim milk.

Mr. T once roundhouse punched someone so hard that his fist broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Mr. T's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Mr. T instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Mr. T built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Mr. T met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Mr. T smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Mr. T does not sleep. He waits.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Mr. T. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Mr. T is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fists.

If you can see Mr. T, he can see you. If you can't see Mr. T you may be only seconds away from death.

When God said, "Let there be light", Mr. T said, "say please."

When Mr. T goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Mr. T.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Mr. T could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Mr. T was born, the nurse said, "Holy ######! That's Mr. T!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Mr. T once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Crop circles are Mr. T's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the ###### down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Mr. T allows to live.

Mr. T is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Mr. T once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Nails" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Mr. T has two speeds: walk and kill.

You are what you eat. That is why Mr. T's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Mr. T is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Mr. T can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Mr. T can divide by zero.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Mr. T, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Mr. T played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Mr. T was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Mr. T punched himself in the face.

Mr. T invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Mr. T smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Mr. T can eat a VHS tape and excrete a DVD.

9 out of 10 scientists agree, the power of Mr. T's urine should be harnessed to replace fossil fuels. The tenth scientist was high-fived by Mr. T, causing fragments of his arm to accidentally press the "no" button.

Mr. T created South North Korea by drawing a line of chalk 10 miles away from the DMZ and daring anyone to step across.

Much like how the seismograph detects earthquakes, prominent scientists have tried to create a Pityograph to determine how amazing Mr. T is. Each one has broken, beause it doesn't go high enough.

Mr. T brushes his teeth with a saw.

Mr. T handed the world over to the Greek god, Atlas, and said, "Here, you take it for a while".

Mr. T can simply walk into Mordor.

Mr. T can find 1,000 words that rhyme with "orange".

Mr. T can do push ups with both arms tied behind his back.


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